LOST

Wow, look at my last post. It was posted on April, and see? It's already mid June.
Well what you have to understand is for an amateur writer like me, who does not have talent in writing, i need extra effort and good mood to post something in my blog. Plus, my assignments and (NOW) my exams seem distracting me from writing.

Anyhow, there are MANY things I am supposed to write.
My midbreak getaway to Malaka with Arnold, Lia, and Dicky.
My sudden-crazy-plan weekend escape with Jessyca, Sylfester, and David.
Both getaways were SOOOOOOOO, um, what you called it, exciting!
Yeah, besides my never-ending-assignments-and-lab-reports. *sigh*
Don't think life could be pleasant these days.

But in this post, I don't plan to share my exciting getaways, but more about my thought, just now.
I was just waking up from my nap, when I read the timeline in Twitter.
One post from @jcqlie interested me.

"Just for once, I want someone to be afraid of losing me"

Those words pricked me. right away to my heart.
I ask myself, "Have they, who admit to be my friends, ever been afraid of losing me?"
It did not take even a minute for me to have the answer.
No, I don't think so.

Let's start from my boyfriend. *I really hope he does not have the time or interest to read my post*.
I don't think he is THAT afraid of losing me, like i am FREAKINGLY afraid of losing him.
He got all he's wanted. Good looking face, good fortune, good posture, good inner beauty. Who doesn't want him? It is super easy for him to find a girl, of course better than me. But I don't know why he still sticks with me after all this time. I don't think my existence is THAT matter for him.

And my friends.
To be honest, there are two best friends, few special friends, and many friends that I have.
First best friend. I don't need to mention her name, but she really is special for me. It's like I never have someone who understands me deeply like she does. I am like finding my other half soul. I will do everything to  "maintain" my superfriendship with her. But what's on the other side? I don't think that I am matter for her anymore. Well, I don't expect to be that close, like we used to be. At least, I still want to be the first person whom she tells for everything. But seems like she's found new exciting world, without me in it.
Second best friend. She's like my little sister. Superb, I can say. I can't thank her enough for accompanying me when I am down. or up. or whatever. She used to depend on me. Well, it is good to know that she's more independent, but I am afraid, I am not useful anymore for her. And being not useful is like a burden to me. Because it's like you are not needed by them, anymore.

My special friends.
I've got few special friends. and they come and go, without really think about my feeling.
I blame myself for it, but wait. I don't think that all are my faults. They've got new friends, started to be comfortable with them, and yes, you can tell the ending. They forget me.
These days, thank God, I have the opportunity to make new friends. I don't expect too much with these friendships I've just had. At the end, what's going to happen is, we leave each other. So yes, I don't put too much feelings on them, like I used to do to my old gank. You know how long it took to get over my feelings on my old bestfriends? a year. A freakin' full-of-efforts year.

Think that I am complicated?
Yes I am. I am THAT complicated when it comes to relationship.

Somehow, I wanna see who's crying on my funeral, if I am dying now.
My boyfriend? Will he go back to Indonesia, just to "send" me away?
My bestfriends? Will they shed a tear for me?
The only thing I am sure 100% is the lost-feeling that my daddy, mummy, and little brother feel.

The further I am thinking, the more I believe that I am the b*tch.
The b*tch who always asks for more.
who always carves more attention.
who always wants to be number one.
Because the thing is, we don't always get what we want, and we're not always number one.

I don't usually post something like this in my open-read-blog.
But for once, I just want to be honest with world.
You could be offended by reading this. but I'm sorry.