Bye Monash! :)

SO MUCH TO WRITE!

I cheated on this blog with my travel blog recently. Hahaha. Sorry, bro.
It feels like when I am about to write here, all the deep thoughts are just coming out from my head.
However, what I needed in the couple last days was happy thoughts.
So, sorry. I am now back to this blog.

Anyway, the biggest news is TODAY IS MY LAST DAY OF EXAMINATION IN BACHELOR DEGREE.
For God's sake. Akhirnya gue sampe juga di titik ini. Di titik dimana lu jadi semi-pengangguran. Kenapa pengangguran? Karena gue belom dapet official result gue. Masih ada kemungkinan ngulang next sem (choi-choi-choi *ketok kayu*), walaupun kemungkinannya kecil. Amen.

Temen-temen gue yang lain kaya Jetink, Lia, Ley, Ivan ma Richard udah kelar beberapa hari sebelom gue. Dan begitu gue tanya mereka gimana rasanya setelah ngerjain exam terakhir, katanya... rasanya beda.
It was a different freedom that they felt. I could not feel it till I experienced it myself.
Tapi, begitu keluar dari exam hall, all I felt was... disappointment. Subject terakhir gue adalah Food Microbiology. Dibilang susah, ya susah. Soalnya mesti ngapalin nama-nama microorganisms dan spoilage on food dan food borne illness. Muter-muter dan mejret. But I studied and memorized them, with all brain capacity that I had. But, it turned out, soalnya beda banget dari yang gue bayangin. Bisa sih, tapi nggak gitu yakin dan I'm pretty sure I won't score high in this subject. Padahal gue aim minimal D. Tapi pupus sudah harapan gue. :(

Dan, pas gue sampe rumah, David (remember my good friend), bbm gue dan ngabarin kalau nanti jam 12 ini dia bakal off to London buat ambil master dia. Rasanya, campur aduk. Gue berasa waktu jalan tu udah kaya  Speedy Gonzales (inget kan tokoh mini toons yang larinya kaya flash?). Rasanya gue belom sempet napas dan menikmati hari-hari gue sama temen-temen gue, tiba-tiba aja gue udah harus pisah.

To be honest, I am having a hard time now.

Gue kelar ujian tanggal 19, dan bakal berangkat ke Tioman tanggal 22 malem. Jadi practically gue cuma dua setengah hari buat farewell sama temen-temen science gue (Sandra, Elvis, Willy, Novita, Nukke), Gibon, Richard, Evelyn, Kris, Velia dan entah siapa lagi. Karena tanggal 26, most of them udah ciao semua.

Shoot.

Perpisahan nggak pernah enak yah?

Dan gue dari kemaren udah ngebayangin gimana sedihnya pisah sama mereka. Mereka yang tiap hari nemenin gue, bikin gue ngakak, ngehibur gue kalo lagi sedih, ato simply be there for me, harus mau nggak mau melangkahkan kaki dari hidup gue.

Tau sih, kita harus keluar dari comfort zone supaya lebih mature lagi. Tapi berat cuy.

Ah, udah lah. nggak ada gunanya galau-galau juga kan? Just enjoy my time with them :)

Here is a short movie about my university, Monash University :)

Pissed Off?

I am pissed off and I need to write if I am pissed off.

As I told you in the previous post, I have, ups, had been accepted to Sweetkiss for my summer internship.
BUT SOMETHING CAME UP THREE DAYS AGO.
I was asked to send acceptable letter to my professor.
So I called Sweetkiss and asked for the letter.
But what I was replied was:
"OH SORRY MISS, THE PERSON IN CHARGE YOU ARE LOOKING FOR HAS ALREADY RESIGNED"
"well, she should have told you about my application, shouldn't she?"
"WELL, SHE DID NOT INFORM ANYTHING ABOUT THE INTERNSHIP. BUT I WILL TRY TO LOOK IT UP"
"Please try to find my application. Or do I need to send another one?"
"OKAY, YOU CAN SEND ME YOUR CV AND I WILL LOOK AT IT"

And I waited for the next two days.
And this morning, in the middle of my dream, my friend called me and informed me that she was still on the program, while me, I need to call them to get the confirmation.
So I called them. And you know, what did they say?
"SORRY MISS, BECAUSE MISS ALINE (this bitch who interviewed and accepted me, then bailed) DELETED YOUR APPLICATION AND UNFORTUNATELY SHE DID NOT FOLLOW THIS UP TO THE HIGHER POSITION"
"But I was already accepted there. I could show you the email"
"BUT SORRY MISS, THERE IS NO MORE VACANCY LEFT FOR YOU. IT'S ALL FULL"
"But I really need this internship"
"SORRY MISS WE COULDN'T DO ANYTHING"

you mutherfocker.
sorry if i swear too much.
but HEY IM IN THE MIDDLE OF MY EXAM!
besides all my heart-problems, AND NOW COMES THIS STUPID PROBLEM!
I'm totally fucked up.

But as my dad advised me, I need to look at positive sides.
Maybe God just wants to help me getting another job nearer.
Maybe God just wants to help me getting another job which is better than sweetkiss.
Maybe God just wants to give me "lessons" so next time, I would ask for acceptance letter.
Maybe God just wants me to learn how hard it is to seek for a job.

Ah, i feel a little bit relieved.
Gotta go hitting the books.
Wish me luck on my exam! :)

Isn't it pathetic?

i accidentally got this from my Facebook.

Well, i barely open my FB account because I am just... scared.

Maybe I am scared because I'm not ready to get out my comfort zone.

After two days without FB (it is rare case, dear. because I AM a facebooker), finally I am online, again.

At first, I didn't want to open it, but I was curious.

and there you go. I spotted it in my Home.

and suddenly, all the walls that I have built break down.

suddenly, i feel i am pathetic.

We even haven't said "Happy 1st Anniversary, Sayang..."

But in a matter of fact, it's done.

No matter how hard I tried, it's done.

I don't want to, but I have to move on.

As I said, no matter how hard you work it out, LDR won't EVER work.

trust me. I underwent twice and NOTHING worked.

it pisses me off, but what can I do?

and the next question is when am i going to change my relationship status?

On this day of your life, Nadya, we believe God wants you to know ... that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep.
	You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep.

Life, as you know it.

Have you ever been, like, living in the past?

yes, I have.

I live in my past. I don’t have any time-travel machine or something like that, but i DO live in past. I mean, I ALWAYS look back, resulting in regret. like Nelly Furtado sings, “why good things come to an end…”.

Why do good things ALWAYS come to an end?

I once had a perfect life. Best friends, good grades, good boyfriend, perfect family, good financial, etc etc. I had everything I’ve ever wanted. I enjoyed my life very much. I spent my weekends, enjoying my teenage life, outside the room. I clubbed. I had good dinners. I had trips around Malaysia. I studied hard and of course, got an honor for my college grades. Oh yeah, I cheated on my (ex)boyfriend. I worked part time in Jco and Pasta Zanmai. I went anywhere I wanted to go. I ate anything I wanted to eat. I did anything I wanted to do.

I lived my life back then. Well, I don’t say that my past was all about good things. There were some pretty bad things happened, like I broke up with my 7-years-boyfriend. It fuckin’ hurt me, emotionally and physically. But I recovered, very fast because I had some things else, which were more worth fighting for.

Compared to what happens now. ugh. I lost everything.

I lost my pleasure. I lost my spirit of life. I lost my confidence. I lost myself.

I am not a person who can STAY in the room for more than one day. I am not a person who can STARE at laptop for WHOLE DAY. I am not a person who can stay in the room on WEEKENDS. I am not a person who doesn’t have FRIENDS. I am a person of achievement. I am a person who LIVES my life to the max. I am a person who never FEELS alone. I am never alone.

But now? It’s like I’m losing myself. I am not Nadya Karina anymore. I am “Nadya Karina”, a body without a soul. Sometimes I feel like I’m a dead body who only have to do my jobs.

AARRGGHHH. And this afternoon, when I read my psychology lecture notes, I found out that I might have had depressive disorder. The symptoms written really explained my condition. Extreme sadness, self-blame, sense of worthlessness, absence of pleasure, decreased sleep and apetite, and feeling vulnerable. OMG. This is so me. I tell you. I’ve got all the symptoms!

Maybe I should check to any psychologist back in my hometown. I think I need more than “sharing” sessions. I need medications! ASAP!

Finding relief.

i woke up this morning and felt so... terrible.

oh my god.

why should i feel that "morning sickness" once more?

one of my girls once said, "everyone got their own weak point. If my weak point is on my-homesick-ness, than yours is on love"

maybe it's true.

i've never been homesick (um, only when im sick and "sick", like now).

don't ever say that im not that close enough with my family. i just think that they're always there and they won't never forsake me, how bad i am.

but, im so sick when i get struck on love problems.

like i told ya on previous post, fate likes to make me laugh.

yesterday, i was thinking so much about it.

i might be looked well outside, but not inside.

i might laugh in front of people, but not when im alone.

thanks for ley, stella, and sandra for accompanying me doing my lab reports.

and thanks god i got so many assignments to do, so i dont need to think about my weak point, for a while. at least those "blessing" assignments occupy my head almost completely.

but still, when those blessing ass leave me, i think about you.

like this morning.

i got super duper awkward and bad dream.

what i remember is, i posted "i hate words FOR GOOD" on my facebook.

those small part could ruin my morning.

then, i remember, Someone who never leaves me, even though I OFTEN leave Him.

i "curhat" to Him.

and i feel more... relieve.

no. calm down is the better word.

"i surrender to You God.

Do whatever You wanna do in my life, and his life.

I know that You will give me the best for me, even it's not that i want.

but when what's good for me is not what i want, please don't leave me and please calm me down. please teach me to be a grown up, who never cries and moans for the problems You've given. please tell me how to be strong in facing these ups and downs. and just, please save me from my negative thoughts, my nightmare, my fright, my anxiousness, and my suspiciousness.

and please bless my baby too.

and God, please help me to choose the right way for the intersection You've given to me..

Thanks for the live You gave me, God."

unpredictable christmas

sebenernya sih gue udah ada feeling.

dan ternyata feeling gue masih jalan.

and it was damn right.

i met him.

yeah.

not offiacially met him, soalnya gue cuma liat punggung dy.

yang ketemu tu si gaby utie ma rani.

dan gilanya. tu orang beserta keluarganya duduk disebelah keluarga gue.

yes.

casey pandutaruna dan keluarganya duduk disebelah keluarga gue.

hebat yak. begitu udah gak hubungan, duduk samping2an.

what a coincidence.

satu hal yang menyentil gue malem ini.

bukan pertemuan tidak sengaja gue sama si mbah surip.

tapi bokap gue.

i know he concerned about me.

tadi aja pas pulang gereja, gue ditarik pulang cepet2 supaya gue gak ketemu si mbah surip gila itu.

padahal, gue pengen ketemu dy.

bukan buat apa2. gue cuma pengen senyum ke dia dan menunjukkan bahwa im fine, cas.

beneran.

gue pengen nyelametin dy natal like nothing happened between us.

tapi bokap gue terlalu takut gue masih belom over dari kc.

jadi dy narik gue pulang cepet2.

resulting: gue gak ketemu si mbah surip. at all.

dan apa balesan gue buat bokap gue???

gue malah bad mood (tentu aja bukan gara2 gue gak ketemu si mbah surip) dan gue malah ndekem dikamar gue...

begitu sadar, udah tengah malem.

bokap udah tidur.

terus martabak yang dia beli buat gue, tergeletak gitu aja di meja depan kamar bokap.

bokap udah tidur. sendirian.

karena nyokap ma adek gue ngegosip di kamar gue.

gue anak macem apa sih?

gue tau gue sering bgd slek ma bokap.

but i know he loves me much.

dan gini balesan gue.

di malem natal.

gue malah online dikamar.

pas gue masuk kamar bokap, tv masih nyala dan dy udah tidur.

gue langsung rasanya bersalaaaaaahhh bgd.

mo gue cium, tapi takut dy kebangun.

dan apa yang gue lakukan?

nangis di GUA MARIA.

cengeng, iya.

tapi gak tau kenapa gue emang lagi pengen nangis.

ditambah lagi, malem ini G ketiduran..

gak jadi telpon gue.

padahal gue kangeeeeeennn bgd denger suara dy.

dy udah kaya drugs buat gue sekarang.

udah addicted.

kalo gak denger suara dy sehari ajaa, rasanya ada yang ilang.

dan sekarang dia ketiduran.

gak mo nyalahin dy sih..

dy pasti kecapean setelah jalan2 seharian di bali.

ditambah lagi dy tadi badmood dengan alasan yang gak jelas.

dad, i love you.

another fact that truly hurts me.

well, if only i could tell the whole thing that i feel...

but, it is an open-read blog, so i better keep my mouth shut.

to someone.

you know who you are.

it is true that we all have past.

i DO have one.

and so do you.

to be honest, knowing your past, which is not come out from your mouth, really hurts me.

when i knew it, it felt like i was punched over and over again.

i cried, i groaned, i moaned.

this thing has been filling my head since i started to think about you more.

im not sure about your feeling.

even though you tried to convince me, im sorry dear, deep inside my heart, there is something that makes me...gak percaya sama kamu.

but im trying to believe in you.

please help me.

coz without your help, it will be nothing.

be honest with me and everything is gonna be alright.

i love you.

(091209)