decision!

HELL YEAH.
i just made one of the biggest decision in my life.
well, this decision should have been taken months ago but i just did not have courage to do that, anyway.
*besides, actually i was forced to take this decision.

so far, it went well.
no great wound occurred.
no complication either.
it went well.
but i don't know what's gonna happen once i'll be back to Malaysia.
is the wound really disappeared.
or is it just closed temporarily by a bandage?
i hope there's no severe wound anyway.
i am sick of this.
i wanna live normally!
i don't wanna live with this illness!

well, my family helps me so much to go through this illness.
my bestfriends too.
they ARE freakishly amazing!
who predicts i could be healed this fast?
even, nobody realizes it, don't they?
nobody realizes coz i hide it well.
hahaha. because i am a good actress.
i should win an award. really. :)
but one person i should give thanks the most is my GOD.
Jesus is the one who lifts up my burdens, covers my wound, and heals my illness!

i really wanna live normally, like the others do.
because i feel like i'm crap. i'm a little weak girl who can do nothing.
:(

holiday?

One and half week has been passed.

I've been in holiday and this is why sometimes I hate holidays.

Well, I don't say I love school anyway.

tapi gue lebih suka sibuk dari pada bengong, nggak ada kerjaan kaya gini.

this is killing me.

karena gue gak ada kerjaan dan tidak ada yang gue pikirin, jadilah gue selalu memikirkan hal-hal yang tidak perlu dipikirkan.

and i hate this.

gue jadi nggak tenang.

gue jadi nggak bisa menikmat liburan.

OMG!!!!!

#abaikan saja post ini.

This is my story

www.this-is-my-story.com/v/XUBT4H5I9K1N

GUE EMANG NGGAK PERNAH BISA MOVE ON DARI ELO SEMUA!!

KENAPA EMANGNYA KALO GUE GAK BISA MOVE ON?

GUE FREAK?

IYAAAA???????????

hey hey, follow my boyf's cooking blog! :D

http://nickycookingadventure.blogspot.com/

cooking talent

my boyf has now become a cooking freak.

he likes to cook. he buys anything, such as

with-something-something sauce, beach-hat-alike mushrooms, what else? he watches cooking videos on youtube. he adores a cooking movie titled "julie & julia". and at the moment, he's writing a cooking blog.

well, i admit i can't cook.

my mother is an unbelievably natural chef.

my dad, even though there are only scrambled egg and omelette written in his cooking dictionary, but he cooks the best omelette i've ever tasted!

my brother? don't include him. he just likes to eat. anything.

and now, my boyf likes the same thing. cooking.

what happens to people around me, huh?

it's like everybody has special talent of cooking.

me?

i once cooked simple cornet beef fried rice.

i was like, 'c'mon nad. this is just simple fried rice. it's like everyone can cook. why can't you?'

and i started with a stupid accident.

i bought a can of cornet beef. the thing was, i did not know how to open it.

well yes, there was a can opener attached to the can, but i had no power to open it.

after 30 minutes attempting to crack the can, i gave up. i let my housemate do it.

but what happened next? she broke the can opener.

well, apparently that was my fault. hehe.

so, i spent about one hour trying to bang-bang the can with anything i could use.

finally, the can was cracked and the shape of the can was like, indescribable.

haha.

and what happened next was, I fried the egg.

but, i stupidly put insufficient butter on the pan, resulting the egg was sticked to the surface of the pan. *sigh.

i threw out the cooked egg and started with the new egg.

second attempt went well.

anyway, i was proud of my fried rice. i gave a small portion for my friend and she said, "this tastes good!"

:)

and the following day, since i have encouraged myself 'everyone can cook', i tried to cook another recipe.

"sawi tumis".

and that tumis tasted VERY VERY SALTY.

and yeah, i stopped cooking after that.

i like cooking. but it seems like i have no gift in cooking. hahaah.. :D

maybe i'll create another blog about travelling.

someday.

and i'll start with my journey in Malaysia.

and...

my boyf wants to contribute in this-coming-blog, perhaps? ;)

*he likes to travel too. a lot.

whole gank

i miss them. damn much. yes. that much, till I couldn't handle it anymore.

God, can I just turn back the time, when I could feel this happiness?

deferred exam

Hey folks, I'm back with good and bad news.

good news:

I AM FREE. yeah, actually, particularly free.

this good news led to bad news.

bad news:

i got sick when sitting for my last paper.

Well, it wasn't that crucial if i could stand the pain.

but unfortunately, i couldn't.

I decided to take deferred exam.

*sigh.

that's why i am particularly free.

and, HOLIDAY IS COMING!

start with Sherli's visit!

and i'll be back home on 17th!

you and I are different. everybody knows it.

As we have been together for about 2 years, finally I spotted major differences between me and you.

One. I will never be able to ignore you, or not to text you, or not to call you. Even though I shout out loud that i hate you, I don’t care about you anymore, etc etc. Trust me. Those are only words. No matter how deep you’ve hurt me, I won’t ever forsake you. But unfortunately, you can’t do that to me. I once made a mistake and you decided to ignore me whole day. You know that could bring me down, yet you still did it. Poor me. Perhaps you just don’t love me as much as I do. :(

Second. You are my first priority. and always be. I don’t know if this relates to the fact that girls are multi-tasking, but yes. I always spare my time for you, even when I’m busy doing something else. I can text or call you when I’m driving (of course, I stop for a while. I am not that crazy!), when I’m studying, when I’m shopping, when I’m eating, even when I’m sleeping! And yeah, I choose you over my friends. Don’t you know how much time I’ve spent only for you? If I were you, maybe you’d better be outside with your friends, having dinner, studying, etc, rather than being with me. But I still choose you, because you are my first priority. But unfortunately, you can’t do that to me. You really forget me when you’re with your friends, don’t you? Well, I’m trying here neither to judge not blame you, since you are barely out with your friends. But, can you spare me a little time of yours?

Third. I love you, as simple as that. I just can’t live without you. I am addicted to you. Don’t you know how much it hurts when you ignore me? It’s like you’re longing for your drugs, yet you don’t have it. I can’t sleep. I lose my apatite. I cry. You might not have experienced it before, therefore you can’t imagine it. I am not exaggerating, as you might feel. Call me an depressive girl. But I AM FUCKINGLY LONGING FOR YOU! But unfortunately, you don’t feel the same way with me. you can live without me.

Well, I don’t judge you. I wrote this post based on my point of view. I’m sorry if someday you read this, and you are offended.

Please take care of my heart. There’s a “handle with care” sign attached to it.

Have a good day!

Morning mail, and that sounds bad. :(

I told the whole world (actually it’s not the whole world, but simply everybody who read my blog and tumblr), that when I say I don’t care, I really mean it.

I posted it on my tumblr and if I’m not mistaken, I tweeted it too.

But you see, when I woke up in the morning, the first thing I did is calling you and ended up you weren’t picking it up. Even, I was thinking about you in the whole night, you forced to come into my dreams and stayed there. That’s why I wasn’t sleeping well these two nights.

I am a woman with words. These words are contradictive to what you’ve heard. I ALWAYS say I don’t care, I won’t call you first, you are not important anymore for me, I hate you, etc etc etc. But those are just words. Do I have courage to do that? Nope. Do I have strength to do that? Nope. Do I have HEART to do that? Nope.

I simply can’t do that to you. See? I SWORE to myself, I won’t call you, unless you call me first. But what happened was, I woke up in the morning, I checked on my phone and skype, realized there were no missed calls, and yeah, I called you. And you didn’t pick it up.

Is that my fault? Is that my fault for depending too much on you? For thinking too much of you? For hoping too much for you?

If I could control myself, I would definitely avoid you. I’d better be thinking about something else, which is more significant, than thinking about you.

Or maybe, someone out there, who has similar problem in controlling feelings like me, wants to share? I desperately need someone who can stop me thinking about you.

On this day of your life, Nadya, we believe God wants you to know ... that tonight you can turn your worries to God, and have a good night's sleep.
	You've been worrying too much about the future lately. So tonight, go ahead, put your faith in God, and just have a peaceful evening and a restful sleep.

Life, as you know it.

Have you ever been, like, living in the past?

yes, I have.

I live in my past. I don’t have any time-travel machine or something like that, but i DO live in past. I mean, I ALWAYS look back, resulting in regret. like Nelly Furtado sings, “why good things come to an end…”.

Why do good things ALWAYS come to an end?

I once had a perfect life. Best friends, good grades, good boyfriend, perfect family, good financial, etc etc. I had everything I’ve ever wanted. I enjoyed my life very much. I spent my weekends, enjoying my teenage life, outside the room. I clubbed. I had good dinners. I had trips around Malaysia. I studied hard and of course, got an honor for my college grades. Oh yeah, I cheated on my (ex)boyfriend. I worked part time in Jco and Pasta Zanmai. I went anywhere I wanted to go. I ate anything I wanted to eat. I did anything I wanted to do.

I lived my life back then. Well, I don’t say that my past was all about good things. There were some pretty bad things happened, like I broke up with my 7-years-boyfriend. It fuckin’ hurt me, emotionally and physically. But I recovered, very fast because I had some things else, which were more worth fighting for.

Compared to what happens now. ugh. I lost everything.

I lost my pleasure. I lost my spirit of life. I lost my confidence. I lost myself.

I am not a person who can STAY in the room for more than one day. I am not a person who can STARE at laptop for WHOLE DAY. I am not a person who can stay in the room on WEEKENDS. I am not a person who doesn’t have FRIENDS. I am a person of achievement. I am a person who LIVES my life to the max. I am a person who never FEELS alone. I am never alone.

But now? It’s like I’m losing myself. I am not Nadya Karina anymore. I am “Nadya Karina”, a body without a soul. Sometimes I feel like I’m a dead body who only have to do my jobs.

AARRGGHHH. And this afternoon, when I read my psychology lecture notes, I found out that I might have had depressive disorder. The symptoms written really explained my condition. Extreme sadness, self-blame, sense of worthlessness, absence of pleasure, decreased sleep and apetite, and feeling vulnerable. OMG. This is so me. I tell you. I’ve got all the symptoms!

Maybe I should check to any psychologist back in my hometown. I think I need more than “sharing” sessions. I need medications! ASAP!