Life, as you know it.

Have you ever been, like, living in the past?

yes, I have.

I live in my past. I don’t have any time-travel machine or something like that, but i DO live in past. I mean, I ALWAYS look back, resulting in regret. like Nelly Furtado sings, “why good things come to an end…”.

Why do good things ALWAYS come to an end?

I once had a perfect life. Best friends, good grades, good boyfriend, perfect family, good financial, etc etc. I had everything I’ve ever wanted. I enjoyed my life very much. I spent my weekends, enjoying my teenage life, outside the room. I clubbed. I had good dinners. I had trips around Malaysia. I studied hard and of course, got an honor for my college grades. Oh yeah, I cheated on my (ex)boyfriend. I worked part time in Jco and Pasta Zanmai. I went anywhere I wanted to go. I ate anything I wanted to eat. I did anything I wanted to do.

I lived my life back then. Well, I don’t say that my past was all about good things. There were some pretty bad things happened, like I broke up with my 7-years-boyfriend. It fuckin’ hurt me, emotionally and physically. But I recovered, very fast because I had some things else, which were more worth fighting for.

Compared to what happens now. ugh. I lost everything.

I lost my pleasure. I lost my spirit of life. I lost my confidence. I lost myself.

I am not a person who can STAY in the room for more than one day. I am not a person who can STARE at laptop for WHOLE DAY. I am not a person who can stay in the room on WEEKENDS. I am not a person who doesn’t have FRIENDS. I am a person of achievement. I am a person who LIVES my life to the max. I am a person who never FEELS alone. I am never alone.

But now? It’s like I’m losing myself. I am not Nadya Karina anymore. I am “Nadya Karina”, a body without a soul. Sometimes I feel like I’m a dead body who only have to do my jobs.

AARRGGHHH. And this afternoon, when I read my psychology lecture notes, I found out that I might have had depressive disorder. The symptoms written really explained my condition. Extreme sadness, self-blame, sense of worthlessness, absence of pleasure, decreased sleep and apetite, and feeling vulnerable. OMG. This is so me. I tell you. I’ve got all the symptoms!

Maybe I should check to any psychologist back in my hometown. I think I need more than “sharing” sessions. I need medications! ASAP!